While traveling all of these adventures, there have been times that the road took unexpected turns, leading me to some excellent tools to use along the way.
Here is the story of how one of those tools was introduced.
I am not sure how many years my son and I had been in the south, but it was long enough that I had already seen a counselor twice. Most people will probably think that I had to be pretty crazy to need counseling more than once. I like to think it was far from crazy, quite the opposite. Each time I had gone for counseling, it was for something different. I found that if I used the counseling sessions for what they meant, I could continue my journey totally uninterrupted.
I also learned how to look for the signs that maybe I needed to talk to someone concerning whatever the problem might be at that time. Plus, I was beginning to understand that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a professional person to receive counseling. Counseling is simply getting advice on whatever you need help with. It is also a form of teaching. A teacher will teach or show you how to understand math by giving you ways to solve number problems in school. There are actual equations to use to solve them. You learn to use the same equation for different sets of numbers. The teacher is counseling you on how to best use each equation you are taught.
At this time in my life, I was having a hard time with an experience, following an earnest prayer I had called out to God with. I had recently been having anger issues. The kind I used to have back home. I found that I was overwhelmed with fear of my old ways returning and decided to pray to God about it.
I know I was alone in my apartment when I was praying. When I started to cry while praying, I had an out-of-the-blue flashback picture of the people my younger sister and I had to live with during the week and go home on the weekends. This couple lived on the outskirts of our hometown. My sister and I were 3 & 4 years of age. They were not kind to us, and as my father did not have many choices with our care while our older brothers and sisters were in school, we had to keep going back each week. The abuse we received from them did not always come in the physical form. We were treated as babysitters for their one-year-old daughter. We were barely out of the baby stage ourselves!
This flashback was of a particular scene; my sister and I were being punished again for telling the truth. I was locked in the bedroom, and my sister was fully dressed in a tub full of cold water. I could hear my sister screaming but could not get to her. I truly believe this was where I first learned what hating someone meant.
As I was reliving this horrible scene, I distinctly heard a voice in my head that clearly said: “Forgive them.” To this day, I can remember how my whole body shook with emotion as I yelled out into the room, “NOOOO!”
It seemed like my whole life went into a downward spiral from that moment on. It took about 3 months of solid backsliding before I knew I was in serious trouble. I had found such peace and healthy healing in the few short years my son & I was here. I could not begin to think about retreating back to our home state. But there was no mistake here. I was running away from something once again.
The longer I put off seeking any kind of help, the farther I spiraled out of control. One day after having totally backslid to where I was just before moving south, I received a phone call from a friend and later received information from another friend. Both were women from church, and I had become close friends with them. The amazing thing was that neither of them knew the other had contacted me.
The phone call came to me at work. I picked up the phone expecting a customer on the other end and was surprised to hear my girlfriend’s voice. Not used to receiving personal calls at work, I asked her if she was alright. She ignored my question and started telling me how she wakes up at 6am every morning and lays there having her morning-prayer time with God. It lasts for usually about 15 minutes. Today, however, she had just started when she heard a voice in her mind, telling her to get out of bed and get down on her knees and pray for me. It was not a request. It was a command!
I just froze when she told me this. I thanked her for the phone call and told her I would call her later. I could barely contain my composure when I went into my boss’ office and told her I had to go home. My boss must have seen how pale my face was because she never questioned me.
I did not go right home. I went to see my other friend, who had a consignment shop very close to where I lived. I went in to tell her what had just happened and never got a chance to say a word. There were no customers in the store at the time. She came out from behind the counter and wanted to know if everything was alright. Without waiting for an answer from me, she went right into her reason for concern. As she was leaving her shop, she saw my car in the parking lot the night before. She had been seeing it there quite often lately and knew I must be at the bar that was also in this tiny strip mall of stores. She told me that it saddened her, but she hoped I would come to her if I found I had a drinking problem. She got in her car and was halfway home when she heard a voice in her head commanding her to turn the car around and go back to the parking lot, lay hands on my car, and pray for my safety! Neither one of these women knew about the other’s experience.
Totally rattled now, I told her I was okay. I made some excuse to get out of there and went straight into the bar. The bartender that was working there was also a friend of mine. She motioned me to the far end of the bar where no one was sitting. She leaned over the bar and told me I had to get out of there; I was in danger!
The occurrences of the night before were what had put me in this danger. I had met a man in this same bar weeks earlier. He had asked me to dance, and I found that he was enjoyable to talk to. I had no interest in becoming involved with anyone, and this gentleman never made any advances. We just enjoyed an occasional dance and lively conversation. What I did not know at the time was that a woman was very interested in this same man. She came in there a lot with her grown son. She had been friendly with me; I guess she was making sure that I had no interest in him.
Getting back to the night before. The bar was the last place I ever should have gone. I knew that I had been in some form of emotional upheaval. Emotional turmoil and alcohol do not mix. I got pretty inebriated and ended up going home with the gentleman I had no romantic feelings for. He dropped me back off at my car at 6:00am!
I told the bartender all of this, the phone call at work, my conversation before coming over from the consignment shop. Her mouth dropped open, and she said: “You mean you have no idea why I said you are not safe here?” I answered that I had no idea what she was talking about. She said, “You know the woman who has an interest in the guy you went home with last night? Well, she and her son came in looking for you. The son had a gun! You have to leave, please!”
While I did not run in fear, I did leave. The guy with the gun is not what drove me out of there. It was God contacting those around me.
I went back to the consignment shop, confessed everything to my friend, and thanked her for listening to God. That prayer is probably what saved my life the night before.
Then I went home and called my other friend. I told her everything, including the prayer that started all this. She told me that it was not wanting to forgive the people from my past that drove me to the edge of this particular cliff.
Then she explained that when we hear that we must forgive someone of their transgressions toward us, we tend to think that by forgiving them, we are saying that what they did to us is okay. Because of that extremely incorrect notion, we refuse. By not forgiving them, what we end up doing is keeping that person connected to us, preventing us from emotionally moving on.
Then, from there, she moved into a term I had never heard before. She told me that when we move forward in life with these memories and people connected to us, we end up having a part of us stunted in emotional growth. That part is called our inner child. She added that it does not necessarily have to be an experience brought on by abuse. Just anything traumatic that we had experienced.
Little did I realize that this conversation was the beginning of the most significant part of my emotional healing. I received counseling once I understood why I was so angry. Through that counseling, I was introduced to a book called “How to Raise Your Self Esteem” written by Nathaniel Branden.
The explanations, and exercises in this book, brought out all of the garbage that was so deeply entrenched in me. I had no idea it was even there. I was not only able to forgive those people from my past, but I was able to connect with the inner child, and we learned to become one.
The healing was so complete and surprisingly subtle. I don’t remember feeling any kind of change at all. One day at work, my boss came into work as always, about half an hour before the store opened. She walked by me with her usual bubbly “Good Morning!” I answered her politely with no smile. She stopped abruptly and asked me what was wrong? I replied that there wasn’t anything wrong. She insisted there must be because I wasn’t smiling. I explained politely that I didn’t feel like smiling. Since this was not how I would typically have reacted to her good morning, she asked me to come to her office.
The minute the door closed, I knew I was now talking to my friend. We had this unspoken rule that I was an employee while at work. After hours we were just two regular girlfriends. It was I who made that unspoken rule. And she has always respected me for it.
So here she is, panicking that I am not smiling a half hour before the store is opening. She tells me that she depends on me to keep everything running smoothly out on the floor. When she finished describing how she thought things might end up, I answered: “Have I ever greeted any of our customers with anything other than cheerfulness? Please do not misunderstand what you are seeing. I have been taking some amazing classes in the past few weeks that have taught me how to be honest with myself. Today, for some reason, I am feeling a little melancholy. Nothing to be worried about; I just don’t feel like smiling. Dealing with the customers is a job. Cheerfulness is a part of the tools I use for that job. You have nothing to worry about. I promise you.” It was probably a few days later that she approached me and told me the change was remarkable to see in action.
The key to the whole healing process was that I needed to be in tune with myself. I needed to recognize my inner child and treat her as I would any child in distress. Honesty and trust had to be built and maintained. I know I had a hard time understanding it in the beginning, so I decided to name my inner child “Little Miss Annmarie.” I would ask her questions (usually in the form of journaling), and she surprisingly would answer. Sounds crazy, I know. But it worked. I learned how to be honest with my feelings, I learned how to set boundaries of how I wished to be treated by others. This healing was solid and for the rest of my life!