Raising a son when you had no clue what being a ‘mom’ was all about was hard enough. Raising a son on your own and the only parent example you had was a dad who clearly thought his children were insignificant obstacles was terrifying.
When my son was about 12, out of desperation of not ruining his life (as I felt my dad had done to me), I moved us about 1500 miles away to where one of my brothers lived. That move was the scariest one I have ever made, but it was the one that saved both me and my son!
There are so many wonderful stories I have of our lives during the rest of his growing-up years. The paths we followed were amazing. Although some of them were not ones I would have knowingly chosen had I a clue where they would lead to. I now know looking back, that the journey had been orchestrated by God from before we had ever left our home state.
I found that the inner rage I had grown up with was a shield I had been using to keep out those who could not be trusted. Sadly, those who were closest to me also were affected by it. Once I began to get counseling, read self-help books, and watch how functional moms were with their children, I was off and running, making sure my son learned about consequences and rewards. Not an easy task when you are the only parent.
But since I have mentioned that the journey was being well maintained by God, I guess I wasn’t truly alone.
One situation I find I like to tell parents that have complained to me about the way their children behave is the one that seemed to unfold with no clue of the eventual outcome.
This particular incident started as an idea of mine due to my lack of height, to that of my son who was considerably taller. I was getting out of the car one Saturday afternoon from grocery shopping. My height was just tall enough that I was eye level with the roof of the car. The way the sun was shining, it caught the dust and dirt on the roof. I am not sure why this day was any different than any other one, but I got this brainy idea to have my son wash the car.
I made it a habit that he was to have only a few chores that were the same every week: do the dishes, take out the garbage, and keep his room clean. That was it. So, I came in with the groceries and when I saw that he wasn’t involved with anything important, I said: “Hey Hon, could you do me a favor? Could you please go out and wash the car?” While he wasn’t upset that I asked, he also wasn’t crazy about the idea either. I didn’t make it a command and I didn’t act upset. I just said “Please?” He agreed and went out and washed it.
About an hour after he was done, he asked if I would give him a ride to a church teen function. I said “Sure” and out the door, we went. Imagine my surprise when I went to get into the car and saw this dirt streak about a foot wide going from the windshield to the back, right down the center of the roof!
I was shocked that he, being tall enough to reach the center of the car would have left it there and said as much to him. His reply? “Aww Mom, it’s good enough.” Not only was I upset, but I felt hurt as well.
Without another word, we got into the car. About halfway to his destination, I can only say that this idea had to have been divinely planted in my head. I pulled the car over and looked at my son. He was just starting to ask why I pulled over. I quietly and calmly said, “Half a car wash, Half a ride…get out.”
Before he moved, I followed it up with that I would not enforce it this time, but if I ever asked him to do me a favor like I had that afternoon and got half a job, he would get half a payment. Since my son was already aware of some of my ‘tough love’ routines, he knew I was serious.