While cleaning off one of my work benches in my little woodworking shop I have in the basement, I came across a copy of a quick note I had sent my son a few years ago. After seeing what the note said, I realized that it was a longer time ago than I had originally thought. He and his wife had just had my oldest granddaughter, and were struggling through some tough times. I can’t remember the particular time or struggle. Right underneath that note were a few more handwritten papers that were not copies. I am not sure if I actually sent them, but after reading them, two things occurred to me. 1), I either sent them, or we discussed them, as he and his wife are not only still together, but have matured into a beautiful couple and awesome parents. And 2, this was something I knew I would like to share with everyone.
They are 5 exercises that couples should incorporate into their relationship to help them weather any storm that may come up. And anyone who has been in a long relationship will already know that the storms of life will come. It is inevitable and, once survived through them, the relationship strengthens each time.
Step 1): Work as a team. It is important to keep any “I” or “me” and yes, even “you” out of any attempts to resolve an argument, or decision making conversations. Replace those words with ‘we’ ‘us’ and ‘our’. This will keep the conversation on track. To use the above singular words tends to point a finger so to speak. Which in turn, defeats the purpose of joining together as a team.
Step 2): Honesty. Commit yourselves as individuals that honesty is kept at all costs. If you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to the other one….DON’T DO IT! Consider that small question, “Would I be able to tell?” as a warning signal, like a red flag, to back away immediately from anything that would bring cause to lie to your spouse. If you can’t tell your partner, then don’t do it. If you find yourself where you can’t get out of whatever it is, know that you will need to confess to your spouse. Trust me when I say; it will work to strengthen your relationship if you both commit to and practice daily honesty with each other. Nothing and no one can come between a bond that strong!
Step 3): Trust. If you say to the other you are going to do something (or not do something), stick to it. Believe me when this is practiced it will cement those “team” walls that are building up to buffer against what life throws at you. It also builds and strengthens your personal integrity.
Step 4): Respect each other. Know that each of you as an individual has strengths and weaknesses. Knowledge is half the battle here. NEVER point out weaknesses of the other when emotions are high. Once spoken, words can never be sucked back in as if they were never said. Learn to rely on the other’s strength when being individually aware of your own weakness. If you really try at this, you will be amazed at how well-synced the two of you are! Honesty and trust play a very important role in practicing respect.
Step 5) Problem Solving. As those ‘storms of life’ hit; family member issues (kids, siblings, in-laws to name a few), money problems, work issues, etc., there is a common mistake that is often made, when couples sit down to try to resolve those issues. Couples will usually sit down on either side of the table and put the ‘topics of issues’ in the center between them. The key word in that last sentence is “between”. The underlying message is: there is something dividing them which, in turn, will weaken their strength as a couple. The alternative is to put those issues on that same table, but sit next to each other (or at least on the same side of the table). Now there is nothing between you and everything is in front of you, out in the open. They may still be hard to solve. But if your commitment to practice the first 3 Steps is kept, I promise you there is nothing you won’t be able to solve! Oh, and you must decide that everything goes on the table! You won’t always agree with each other, but as long as you stay true to 1, 2, 3, and 4, YOU WILL GET THROUGH!